I struggle with the concept and the reality of being a mother. I always have and I think on some level I will never fully come to complete acceptance that that is one of my roles in this life. This is not the place for my friends to tell me that I am a good mother or that I love my children dearly. That is not what this is about and those things are a given. I am not a great mother but I am better than some and I work with what I know and what I can do.
As for loving my children... I think the feelings you have towards your children are not so simple as to be defined by the boundaries of love. I get too frustrated at the time it takes to do things for the kids, the time it takes to make a family work, to get the lunches ready, clothes washed, dinner made, stories read and for play time. This is time I want to be with me. Selfish? Yes, exceptionally so.
I have never claimed to be a 'susie homemaker' and that is what works for me and my family. So why this sombre post that is full of contradictions?
I have begun to change how I feel about my children. Don't assume here that I despise my children and suddenly I have found love. As previously stated, the feelings for your children can not simply be defined as 'love'. This is meant in the most genuine and sincerest way possible. I want to spend time with them, to have them around be it arguing with them or sitting near them while they are playing. No longer am I so willing to leave them in the company of other people.
The problem you may ask? is this. I am struggling with wanting the ever so selfish me time (i'm not talking about the everybody-deserves-time-to-themselves time, you know the hours upon hours to just be your own company? I LOVE that kind of time!) and the time I want to be a 'mother'. I don't know if this inner struggle is derived from spending so much time with kids at work and helping them through their lives that I come home and don't want to deal with my kids or if it is the fact that I feel so much of my life has passed me by. That there is this inner being who wants to travel and explore the world.
So as I sit at my loyal and trusty laptop with one child asleep on a sun lounge (yes, she refuses to sleep in her bed but will sleep on a sunlounge in her room) another cocooned between two sleeping cats and a husband who will not stop snoring, I will tonight, no longer confuse you all with my susie homemaker meets Miranda (aka sex and the city) battle and just let things be.
That was so insitefull and dam honest. YOu are a very open person which is great to see, I did however get lost at the end, but feel it gave you comfort.
ReplyDeleteMandy
oh B, I understand that struggle perfectly well. It can really mess your head up if you think about it too much. I'm not the home maker type either, but desperately want to spend every waking minute with my kids. But then I want time for myself - to read and scrap and drink pots of tea and lie in the sun. And I want to throw myself into work and on and on. Life is about contradictions and competing priorities. I don't think it's so important to be absolutely clear about defining yourself or limiting yourself to a single dimension, because we're all multi dimensional people. Life is complex. We're individuals and mums and wives and workers and friends and on and on.....
ReplyDeleteYou've expressed well the chaos of the thinking you've been doing. The rush of everyday life sweeps us along, it can be overwhelming sometimes just to sit and reflect on what we're thinking and feeling.
It seems like you've had a moment of clarity. It made me tingly to read it. I know exactly how you're feeling.
peace and love to you, kath
I applaud your honesty with yourself and your being so brave as to put it out there for others to read. Life sure isn't easy and I fully understand what you are struggling with.
ReplyDeleteLove your yellow wall, Amber has sent us on a journey of discovery which is how I've found you. :)