I wanted 2011 to be a more settled year than previous years. The signs were there at the beginning of the year for this to be my rebuild, relax and refresh year. In fact all things 're' were appealing to me. Then things changed. Little events began to happen that threw me off my big- ship-in-calm-waters quest. I am still recording monthly the highlights and day to day occurrences in our household and I although I wanted to document them on this blog, I felt the pressure of 'over-sharing' and the public criticisms of not keeping things to yourself. Do you ever go through this? How much is too much, and why should anyone else care? Why does it bother me that others have an opinion on what I choose to share on the web?
Even though I had committed to being more committed to regular sharing of events on this blog I withheld and typed without real purpose or direction, without colour or public display in a word document that sat safely within the hard drive of my computer.
Then more "things" happened. I changed jobs, got a financial shake-up from the universe, I thought a lot about the past, re-connected with people from the past (very grateful for this) and tried to cut cords with the past.
I think my message is about honesty to myself about myself. This is hard. Does this mean not giving a shit what others think about what I say or do? Isn't this just another name for selfish and arrogant? So my dilemma begins again. What exactly does being honest with yourself mean, what does it look like? I know that I really don't need that almond Magnum or second helping of roast beef and gravy. I know that my lazy arse just needs to get out of bed in the morning and go for a walk, I know that the excuses I make for not going to the gym after work don't fool anyone, even though my husband lets me get away with it and pretends my excuses are valid. *sigh* *big sigh again*. I know that happiness is a by-product of just doing stuff that is good for me, us.
Then I read Alicia's blog and my perspective changes. Here a young teacher, a mother of two, I use to work with has breast cancer. I smile, tear-up and read with an ache in my heart about her breast cancer "journey" and feel guilty and ashamed for my whinging.
I gave good simple advice two weekends ago, "so what are you going to change for change to happen?" hmmm.... maybe I should take it hey?
Time to press 'publish post'.